texting

When I text somebody and they don't text me back, I am going to start telling myself that they were just so excited I texted them, that they fainted....

what i saw!!!

OMG guess what I saw today?!

.......Everything I looked at.

Hehe.

zombies

I think that if Zombies invaded our earth, looking for brain, they would just end up walking past almost everybody and wither to nothingness from starvation because this worlds full of dumb asses.

weather updates

I know that sometimes I'm not the brightest person in the world buttttt I'm pretty positive that in Canada, snow is something we get EVERY single winter so people on Facebook, shut up about it. If you have lived here all your life, it shouldn't be a surprise. If you are truly shocked that it's snowing in winter, (after 20+ years of being on this earth) then there MUST be something wrong with you and THAT is the bigger issue here. Not the snow.

robbery

I think that most people would freak out if they were to get robbed... At knife point. Now, I'm not sure if this plan would work for everybody or just if I were the robber because sometimes I'm an idiot. Anyways, here is my diolog of how I think a knife robbery which included me, would go.

Robber: Give me all your money! *holding knife*

Me: Oh! Okay! Here, take it all... Woah, wait that's an amazing knife. I'll trade you all my money for it?

Robber: Okay, here you go. *hands over knife after I hand over money*

Me: Mwahahah, bitch! Gimme all yo money! 

I'd just flip the role and rob him my money back... Or just huddle in a ball on the ground, in tears. 

Either or.

life goals

So, I already have completed one life goal.. Which was to crack an egg and have it have not one, but TWO yolks inside. 

My new goal?

Go in to a bank wearing a ski mask, make a normal transaction and proceed to walk out as if nothing happened.

What would they do? It's not illegal to wear ski masks, is it? I'm just trying to keep my cheeks warm from all the ice cold souls of the people in the bank... Because I hate people.

naps

Gosh, I'm so tired.. But taking "naps" sounds so childish. Soooo, I shall start to call them "horizontal life pauses."

Don't tell me I'm  not doing anything with my life. I'm pausing for a moment. After all, good things come to those who wait, right? Therefore, procrastination on daily activities must be a virtue.  

bad taste

If you don't find me amazing, I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't reflect poorly on me but instead, means you have bad taste.

True story.

omfg shut up

"i luv u bb gurl u r mi lief"

SERIOUSLY? That is probably one of the most romantic Facebook statuses I have yet to see. Now please, learn to spell or shut the fuck up.

Drug dealers

Thought of the day:

If people say that weed is not a drug, that it's actually a plant... Then wouldn't that not make them drug dealers, but florists instead? ..Because drug dealers act like hotshot gangsters and if what they're saying, makes them what I think it makes them, they sound like sweet little custard filled fruitcakes.

my love life

 

Yup, that pretty much describes it with exquisite accuracy.

lonliness

Goats and dolphins have human-like vaginas. So, for all you people complaining that you're lonely, you've got options.

Miss.Blog-Ruler-NOT

I'm not sure who this Lindsay character thinks she is, bossing me around about the number of posts that should be on my blog, daily. Who's blog? Oh yeah, mine.

Unless Miss.I-Think-I-Make-All-The-Rules-For-Bloggers-On-This-Whole-Planet, you are actually named Justin Hall, born on December 16, 1974 in Chicago, Illinois and look like you're going to try to be spanish and kidnap people, steal a boat and try to become an illegal citizin with your crew working your construction company, which you also make rules for, which in turn you find yourself ending up on AMW...

Or are named Jerry Pournelle, another old man, born in August 7, 1933, where you love to wear bow ties, a combover and oversized bifocals... Handsome fella....

ORRRRR are named Dave Winer (I call this man Dave immaWeener), born on May 2, 1955 in Brooklyn, gangstaaa what?! .....

Then no, no you may not tell me the rules of my blog post numbers/day.

If infact you claim to be one of these talented old men, then we have another issue on our hands because you're living as a female in her twenties, dating a grown male.. I think they call that a gay transvestite. You're doing a FAAABULOUS job (insert gay hand flick here) giving off the impression of a female though. I'll give you that, Sir Blog-Creator.

*I do not, repeat do not have a problem with gay people.

tomorrow

When you're talking to somebody, after midnight and you say "tomorrow I am going to..." and they respond with, "don't you mean today?"

Bitch, tomorrow starts when I wake up!

facebook status

"[LIKE] mah status if you think I’m cute!
Do you like this booty?
[LIKE] mah status if you [LIKE] mah serious face. [LIKE] mah status! This mah serious face.
[LIKE] mah status if you love food.
[LIKE] mah status if you a pimp!
[LIKE] mah status if you love slinky. Look at that shit go!
[LIKE] mah status if you love tissue!
[LIKE] mah status if you love Japanese shit
If you like pumps. [LIKE] mah status
[LIKE] mah status if you don’t give a fuck!
[LIKE] mah status if you have a Tumblr
[LIKE] mah status and I won't kill myself, do it!
[LIKE] mah status if you love to film yourself.
(I love to film my fuckin self)
[LIKE] mah status if the first time you saw this, you were like ahhhhhhh! oh my god.
[LIKE] mah status if you think I’m sexy.
[LIKE] mah status if you [LIKE] mah status!
[LIKE] mah status if you like penis.
[LIKE] mah status if you like vagina.
You got a phone? [LIKE] mah status!

"Hello, hey girl you know that bitch named Deltrice?" "Ya girl I know that girl named Deltrice." "Well you know what she did?" "No girl what she do?" "That bitch didn’t [LIKE] my status!"

[LIKE] my status! Oh my god.

So I'm tired of all this [LIKE] mah status bullshit on Facebook! While I’m trying to see other peoples posts, I can’t see them with your conceded ass [LIKE] Mah Status quotes on your mutherfuckin Facebook blowing up my mutherfuckin wall. You all need to cease and desist immediately cause I just can’t take this shit any more and if you gonna do it, do it at the late late wee hours of the morning when nobody is awake and don’t get made when nobody [LIKE]s your shit cause you know you are the only one to blame for that shit ok?!

Don’t be like: “Why is nobody [LIKE]ing my status?” “Why does nobody think I’m pretty?” “Why does nobody [LIKE] the things that I do, oh my god?” Guess, what? Nobody gives a shit! So what you need to do is, you need to chill your ass out will all this LMS shit ok, and you need to shut it down! Because this shit ain’t cute. And by cute, it’s getting on everybody’s fucking nerves so you need to stop right now! And that’s all I have to say on this subject, stink ass! [LIKE] mah status if you like this blog, [LIKE]ing my status, which you should [LIKE] my status for just [LIKE]ing the blog post on [LIKE]ing my status. [LIKE][LIKE][LIKE] MAH STATUS!

Just fuckin stop, ok?!"

I hate guys

Guys are so stupid. Seriously.

They plan for the future by buying TWO cases of beer instead of one, they need instant replays on sports TV because they can't remember what happened 30 seconds ago and they can't even screw in a fucking lightbulb without bragging about the 'screwing' part. They are probably the people who invented calling 911 because a girl would have been smart enough to know that if a killer is searching your house, looking for you, you do not want to TALK on the phone. You text that shit in!

You know what they probably do each night too? Fill the tub up with bubble bath, sit in it and start rocking back and forth, creating little waves before they THROW themselves back yelling "TITLE WAVE!" and getting water everywhere, which is about the time their mommy comes running in mad that they made a mess. Maybe that's why guys ignore our messages sometimes? They're too busy standing in the corner, with their nose touching the wall.

And you know how you know if I even slightly like you? Which is rare... I'll ask for your name. Usually I don't care about that and I still may forget it, but that's your fault for not being so amazing that I'd want to remember something so minor like what people call you. I could get by the rest of my life with never once calling you your name. Trust a sista from another mista! ..Actually that's gross. I'm not your sister. We are not participating in some incest, cult crap.

Anyways, I think guys suck for SO many reasons. I literally could spend the rest of my life adding reasons but my main one is because you say things you don't mean. You write such pretty words and make us believe you mean them but then turn around and show us differently.

If you like a girl, show it. Is that hard to do? No. Not for people who aren't idiots. "Hmm, I really could see myself falling for this girl, I think I'm going to fuck other bitches, stand her up and ignore her when she talks. That'll make her love me more."

Love you more? Oh fuck yes. We're crazy creatures.

Be prepared for 27 phone calls daily, 53 if it's a slow day. Be prepared for a game where we follow you around, binoculars in our hand.. Our own little version of hide and seek. Sounds fun eh?

And don't be surprised if we start up a stalking class. Stalking 101. Where we teach other girls who are getting played, important steps to take. For instance, all you city gals, BYOB - Bring Your Own Bush. Just lug that bad boy on your shoulder so you can just set up, mid sidewalk if there are no bushes/trees for you to hide behind when you're following dickface around.

It's all your fault too.

Tell us you like us then nothing - You didn't have to do that. If you were honest to begin with, you wouldn't have had us sitting there concocting these plans up. But you did, so we do.

Kidding. Or am I? Mwahaha.

Really though, can't you just be honest? If you like me, it would be amazing if you could just be honest with me. I think every girl deserves that. If you don't like a girl, tell her too. You're not only wasting her time, but your own. She's going to keep trying to talk to you, hanging on to the hope you're just going through a rough time and do want her around - Especially if you TELL HER YOU DO.

I hate guys. They can be the sun of my life and stay 92,955,887.6 miles away from me.

Every time a guy talks to me, I almost want to tell him "me speeka no ungliss" and if they try to learn other ones, to try to communicate with me, then we can talk. Maybe. You have to be good looking too because I don't want to be like "I like this guy. His shirt used to be white but it is now yellow, matches his teeth perfectly and he doesn't wear pants because he doesn't have any. He takes me to his cardboard box on Tuesdays because that's when he takes me out to eat - The day before garbage comes so we can have a decent meal." No, thank you.

Then you have guys who call girls "bitties" or "bitches" or "broads" or something so arrogant, giving the impression they think they are superior to women. Do they not realize that it's their mother who gave birth to them? When they assert their superiority, they demean her too.

Idiots. Fuck.

I'm not saying girls are perfect because we do some pretty ignorant things as well. I just don't date girls so I don't have much to bitch about, concerning them. Yet. By this rate, I'm going to take Snookies advice and date a girl because guys are douches.

Guys also need to learn proper texting manners. If you fall asleep first, you text first the next day. That's how she rolls. Or else we sit there and slowly fade into our crazy state, worrying what we did wrong.

There really isn't much funnyness I can put to this. You have interest? You show interest. If you don't like a girl, don't lead her on. Not to mention if we pulled the stuff you do, you'd be pissed. Don't be a hypocrite, take off the diaper, put on some big boy underwear and make a move. If you don't want to make a move, please keep in mind that my 4 year old son has girlfriends, whom he flirts with. So, he could potentially be more of a man than you are? 

And think about this quickly too - If you lead us on, while you are out doing your thing with other girls too, we are eventually going to have enough, move on, meet somebody who actually treats us well and if we look back, it is going to be about how we are grateful. It's going to be about how we tried our hardest, it didn't work and it eventually lead us to someone who respects us. You're going to go about your cheating or lying or manipulating ways, let down so many people and so many people are going to walk out of your life. You're going to continue living your life, with nobody ever fully trusting what you say and when you look back, it's going to be full of regret. You're going to think about all the good girls you could have been with, all the good girls that would have given you anything and when you go to bed alone at night, she will be cuddled up next to some other guy, someone who loves her just as much as she loves him. 

Who's your actions benefiting in the end?

Check the box: 

□ No one

□ Nobody

□ Not one person

□ Eat a tub of ice cream alone

I could always sell you some of my yogurt? I got your back homedawg. 

 

marijuana

I can almost guarantee you that if marijuana was legalized, people would stop bragging about how much they smoke and all sorts of shit like that.

I feel like people boast just because it's illegal and they feel rebellious. I was rebellious too once. When I was 10, I wanted to sign up on the Degrassi website and it said you need parents permission. I lied about my age and signed up anyways. Shh.. Don't tell.

Anyways, I don't see a lot of people over 19 bragging or getting our their measuring cups, selling alcohol since it's legal for them and I never see people bragging about smoking cigarettes.

A lot of people eat yogurt or bananas. I never hear anybody brag about that. I'll be the first one since I'm eating some yogurt right now...

YO HOMMIES! I'M EATING THIS VANILLA YOGURT WIGGAZ! I GOT THAT FUCKIN GOOD SHIT! HIT ME UP - YOGURT FOR SALE! I EAT MORE YOGURT THAN ANY BITCHES OUT THERE! YOU KNOW, FUCK BITCHES, GET MONEY, EAT YOGURT! YO I HUSTLE FUCKIN YOGZ, BROTHA, GOT THAT AUTHENTIC GREEK WHITE SHIT WITH DA FINEST FRUITS, GET AT ME SONZ N DAUGHTERZ!

Keep that shit on the DL. Don't want the po-po raiding my house, idiots.

12 years old

So, the other week I was driving to pick my mom up from work. Earlier, I had almost crashed* because Brantley Gilbert - My Kind Of Crazy, came on the radio. Of course I had to turn it up, roll down the radio and scream it at the top of my lungs. The only thing I'd change? Closing my eyes. Minor details, I know. But let me tell you, when you've got your eyes closed and you pick the perfect place to daydream - Driving a car down a busy street, when those other cars start honking... Well, let's just say they ruined that dream pretty quickly. Instead, they made me open my mouth and eyes as wide as they can go, GASP and throw my hand up to my heart to see if it was still beating! Real safe guys, thanks.. 

Anyways, back to my story...

I was driving to pick up my mom. I got there. Parked and sat in the car complaining to myself that she was taking to long. All of a sudden, I spot these kids. They were probably about 12 and on the verge of being homeless. If they hadn't done what they did, I might have went to Zellers and bought them some mittens and shoes that weren't flipflops. Or if they really wanted to wear those flipflops, I would have bought them some socks. You're walking around in summer clothes, obviously socks and sandles wouldn't have been a big deal either. They started skipping to their lou. Literally. You know when you're 5, or 15 and you hold your friends hand and yell "lets skip!" ...That's what they did. A part of me wanted to join them but another part said, "No Ashley, just observe these interesting and soon to be idiotic creatures." So I did... And you know what they did? 

Sat on the car and started eating each others faces. Now, I'd say they were kissing if that's what they were doing but they weren't. They looked like they were chomping at a juicy piece of steak that was just out of reach. 

I did sit there for about 2 minutes. Half of me was so amused that they found this aligator chomp to be attractive and half of me was so surprised they'd sit on a car where someone was inside, watching them. Eventually it wasn't really funny anymore so I honked the horn. Took some lessons from the people earlier that day, lay on it long enough a couple times and you get your point across. Now, the girl just sort of jumped, turned and looked at me. The guy however, sat up straight and about 10 seconds later, reacted. If I was wondering what I had looked like when I had my little situation earlier, I sure think he nailed it.

Really though, what the fuck are you doing? You're 12. When I was 12 I was still playing with Barbies and wearing pink bubble gum pleather pants while I wore my PollyPockets around my neck.

* I'm a real good driver. I just got caught up in a moment with Brantley.. And when I say other cars started to honk, I mean none did. But I'm sure they would have if my brother didn't ask me what the hell I was doing just in time for me to slam on my breaks and snap back to the reality of my Brantley-less life.