Saturday, January 14, 2012

I hate guys

Guys are so stupid. Seriously.

They plan for the future by buying TWO cases of beer instead of one, they need instant replays on sports TV because they can't remember what happened 30 seconds ago and they can't even screw in a fucking lightbulb without bragging about the 'screwing' part. They are probably the people who invented calling 911 because a girl would have been smart enough to know that if a killer is searching your house, looking for you, you do not want to TALK on the phone. You text that shit in!

You know what they probably do each night too? Fill the tub up with bubble bath, sit in it and start rocking back and forth, creating little waves before they THROW themselves back yelling "TITLE WAVE!" and getting water everywhere, which is about the time their mommy comes running in mad that they made a mess. Maybe that's why guys ignore our messages sometimes? They're too busy standing in the corner, with their nose touching the wall.

And you know how you know if I even slightly like you? Which is rare... I'll ask for your name. Usually I don't care about that and I still may forget it, but that's your fault for not being so amazing that I'd want to remember something so minor like what people call you. I could get by the rest of my life with never once calling you your name. Trust a sista from another mista! ..Actually that's gross. I'm not your sister. We are not participating in some incest, cult crap.

Anyways, I think guys suck for SO many reasons. I literally could spend the rest of my life adding reasons but my main one is because you say things you don't mean. You write such pretty words and make us believe you mean them but then turn around and show us differently.

If you like a girl, show it. Is that hard to do? No. Not for people who aren't idiots. "Hmm, I really could see myself falling for this girl, I think I'm going to fuck other bitches, stand her up and ignore her when she talks. That'll make her love me more."

Love you more? Oh fuck yes. We're crazy creatures.

Be prepared for 27 phone calls daily, 53 if it's a slow day. Be prepared for a game where we follow you around, binoculars in our hand.. Our own little version of hide and seek. Sounds fun eh?

And don't be surprised if we start up a stalking class. Stalking 101. Where we teach other girls who are getting played, important steps to take. For instance, all you city gals, BYOB - Bring Your Own Bush. Just lug that bad boy on your shoulder so you can just set up, mid sidewalk if there are no bushes/trees for you to hide behind when you're following dickface around.

It's all your fault too.

Tell us you like us then nothing - You didn't have to do that. If you were honest to begin with, you wouldn't have had us sitting there concocting these plans up. But you did, so we do.

Kidding. Or am I? Mwahaha.

Really though, can't you just be honest? If you like me, it would be amazing if you could just be honest with me. I think every girl deserves that. If you don't like a girl, tell her too. You're not only wasting her time, but your own. She's going to keep trying to talk to you, hanging on to the hope you're just going through a rough time and do want her around - Especially if you TELL HER YOU DO.

I hate guys. They can be the sun of my life and stay 92,955,887.6 miles away from me.

Every time a guy talks to me, I almost want to tell him "me speeka no ungliss" and if they try to learn other ones, to try to communicate with me, then we can talk. Maybe. You have to be good looking too because I don't want to be like "I like this guy. His shirt used to be white but it is now yellow, matches his teeth perfectly and he doesn't wear pants because he doesn't have any. He takes me to his cardboard box on Tuesdays because that's when he takes me out to eat - The day before garbage comes so we can have a decent meal." No, thank you.

Then you have guys who call girls "bitties" or "bitches" or "broads" or something so arrogant, giving the impression they think they are superior to women. Do they not realize that it's their mother who gave birth to them? When they assert their superiority, they demean her too.

Idiots. Fuck.

I'm not saying girls are perfect because we do some pretty ignorant things as well. I just don't date girls so I don't have much to bitch about, concerning them. Yet. By this rate, I'm going to take Snookies advice and date a girl because guys are douches.

Guys also need to learn proper texting manners. If you fall asleep first, you text first the next day. That's how she rolls. Or else we sit there and slowly fade into our crazy state, worrying what we did wrong.

There really isn't much funnyness I can put to this. You have interest? You show interest. If you don't like a girl, don't lead her on. Not to mention if we pulled the stuff you do, you'd be pissed. Don't be a hypocrite, take off the diaper, put on some big boy underwear and make a move. If you don't want to make a move, please keep in mind that my 4 year old son has girlfriends, whom he flirts with. So, he could potentially be more of a man than you are? 

And think about this quickly too - If you lead us on, while you are out doing your thing with other girls too, we are eventually going to have enough, move on, meet somebody who actually treats us well and if we look back, it is going to be about how we are grateful. It's going to be about how we tried our hardest, it didn't work and it eventually lead us to someone who respects us. You're going to go about your cheating or lying or manipulating ways, let down so many people and so many people are going to walk out of your life. You're going to continue living your life, with nobody ever fully trusting what you say and when you look back, it's going to be full of regret. You're going to think about all the good girls you could have been with, all the good girls that would have given you anything and when you go to bed alone at night, she will be cuddled up next to some other guy, someone who loves her just as much as she loves him. 

Who's your actions benefiting in the end?

Check the box: 

□ No one
□ Nobody
□ Not one person
□ Eat a tub of ice cream alone

I could always sell you some of my yogurt? I got your back homedawg. 

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